How IFS Can Help You Recognize and Heal Your Grief
Grief is one of the most profound emotional experiences we face. It can come in waves, catch us off guard, or linger quietly in the background for years. While many traditional approaches to grief focus on moving through stages or finding closure, Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers a uniquely compassionate and transformative way to understand and heal grief—by turning inward and building relationships with the many parts of ourselves that carry our pain.
If you’re someone trying to make sense of your grief—or if you've felt stuck, overwhelmed, or emotionally fragmented—IFS therapy may help you unlock healing in ways that feel both empowering and deeply human.
What Is IFS and Why Does It Work for Grief?
IFS, developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, is a therapeutic model based on the idea that our minds are made up of distinct “parts,” each with its own voice, emotions, and role. These parts form a complex inner system and are all trying, in their own way, to help us survive and adapt.
When we experience grief—whether it’s from the death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, a major life change, or ambiguous loss—our internal system can become overwhelmed. Some parts may shut us down emotionally, others may try to keep us functioning, and still others may carry the raw sorrow, confusion, or anger of the loss.
Rather than forcing yourself to “move on” or silence the pain, IFS invites you to become curious about your internal experience. This approach helps you:
Recognize and validate your grief
Understand the parts of you that are protecting you from feeling it
Safely access and support the parts of you that carry the deepest pain
Common “Grief Parts” You Might Encounter
In the IFS model, every part of you has a purpose—even the ones that feel uncomfortable, irrational, or conflicting. Here are a few examples of internal parts that often show up during grief:
1. The Protector
This part steps in to shield you from overwhelming emotions. It might numb you, distract you, keep you “busy,” or push you to focus on others’ needs. The Protector often believes that if you fully feel your grief, you’ll become lost in it.
IFS Tip: Gently get to know this part. Ask it what it’s afraid would happen if you let yourself grieve. Appreciate its effort to help you survive.
2. The Angry Part
Sometimes, grief comes out as rage or irritability. This part may be furious at the person you lost, at God, at the situation, or even at yourself. Anger often masks deeper vulnerabilities, like sadness, guilt, or helplessness.
IFS Tip: Approach this part with curiosity instead of shame. What is this anger trying to protect? What does it want you to know?
3. The Inner Critic
Grief can awaken a harsh inner voice that tells you you're grieving “wrong,” that you should be over it, or that you’re somehow to blame for the loss. This part believes that being hard on you will prevent future pain—or that it’s a form of penance.
IFS Tip: Speak directly to this part with compassion. Let it know you’re listening. Ask it why it feels the need to criticize and what it hopes to achieve.
4. The Exiled Part
This is the part that holds the deepest sorrow, trauma, or unmet longing. It’s often hidden or buried by protectors because the pain feels too intense. But healing can only occur when this part feels safe enough to be witnessed and held.
IFS Tip: Protectors must be acknowledged and reassured before this part will come forward. When it does, allow space for its grief without judgment. Presence is the medicine.
Recognizing the Signs of Grief Through an IFS Lens
Many people don’t even realize they’re grieving. That’s because grief doesn’t always look like tears and sadness. It might look like:
Chronic fatigue
Disconnection from others
Irritability or mood swings
Avoidance of reminders
Overworking or over-caretaking
A sense of meaninglessness
IFS can help you identify these experiences as parts trying to manage something deeper. For example, the part of you that’s numbing out with Netflix every night might be trying to protect you from a hidden well of pain. Or the part that keeps pushing forward relentlessly may be afraid of falling apart.
Once you recognize these as parts rather than character flaws or permanent states, you can begin a dialogue with them—listening, understanding, and eventually unburdening the pain they carry.
The Role of the Self in Healing Grief
A core principle of IFS is that beneath all of our parts is the Self—the calm, compassionate, curious essence of who we are. When the Self is leading, we can approach our internal world with clarity and care, without being hijacked by any one emotion or reaction.
Grief work with IFS is about helping your protective parts trust the Self enough to allow access to the exiled parts that are in pain. From this place of inner leadership, you can:
Gently witness your grief instead of being consumed by it
Honor the full spectrum of your loss
Create internal safety, where even the most fragile parts feel seen and cared for
This isn’t about “fixing” or “getting over” grief—it’s about allowing space for the full truth of your experience, and finding wholeness in the midst of it.
Practical Steps to Start Healing Grief with IFS
Here are a few ways to begin applying IFS principles to your grief journey, even if you’re not working with a therapist:
1. Journal from Your Parts
Set aside a few quiet moments and ask:
“Is there a part of me that wants my attention right now?”
“What is this part feeling?”
“What is it afraid would happen if it didn’t do its job?”
Write down the answers as if that part were speaking to you. You may be surprised by what emerges.
2. Name and Appreciate Your Protectors
Instead of trying to push away the parts that numb, distract, or criticize, try saying something like:
“I see you, and I know you’re trying to help me. Thank you. Can I get to know you a little better?”
Just this acknowledgment can reduce inner tension and open the door to deeper work.
3. Visualize Your Exile
If it feels safe, imagine the part of you that holds the grief. What age does it feel like? Where does it live in your body? What does it need? Can you simply sit with it without fixing or analyzing?
Even a few minutes of compassionate witnessing can be deeply healing.
4. Seek IFS-Informed Support
Working with an IFS-trained therapist can provide structure and safety as you navigate your grief. You don’t have to do this alone—and in fact, parts often need the reassurance of a co-regulating presence before they’ll allow the work to unfold.
If you're located in Minnesota and are looking for IFS-informed support, consider reaching out to Sage Leaf Wellness in St. Paul, MN. The therapists at Sage Leaf specialize in grief, trauma, and complex emotional systems using the Internal Family Systems model. Their compassionate, skilled clinicians can help you gently connect with your inner parts and begin the healing process.
Grief Is Not a Problem to Solve
One of the most healing messages IFS offers is this: Your grief makes sense. All of your parts are welcome. There is no “right” way to grieve, no timeline, no performance required. You don't need to hide the messy parts of your experience. They are not only acceptable—they are the doorway to transformation.
By turning inward with compassion and curiosity, you can begin to befriend your grief rather than battle it. Over time, you may discover that what once felt unbearable now feels integrated, honored, and held with care.
Start IFS Therapy in St Paul, MN
If you’re grieving right now, know this: the parts of you that are hurting are not broken—they’re burdened. With the support of your Self and the tools of Internal Family Systems, those parts can be witnessed, unburdened, and healed.
Grief is not something to get over. It’s something to move through—gently, bravely, and with your whole internal system as your ally. Our team is here to offer support in healing each of your internal parts. You can start your therapy journey with Sage Leaf Wellness by following these simple steps:
Meet with a caring therapist
Start healing each of your parts!
Other Services Offered with Sage Leaf Wellness
IFS therapy isn’t the only service that Sage Leaf Wellness offers. Our team is trained in multiple forms of therapy, including anxiety treatment, EMDR therapy, and trauma therapy. We also offer support via couples therapy and group services. Learn more about if therapy is right for you or visit our blog for more helpful info today!